I don't dislike my husband as a person. I think our relationship is good too. It's just... sex is always painful for me. From way back, I used to secretly watch intense SM and training videos to get excited. Watching them would make me tingle down there, and I'd think, 'I want that done to me too...' This was all before I even met my husband. But I didn't have the courage to dive into that world, so I just acted normal and got married to him. I had the interest but thought it was a world I had no connection to. I told myself I should just have normal sex with my husband. At first, it was okay. But... it wasn't. Before I knew it, seeing my husband trying so hard to make me climax would make me lose interest more and more. He's trying so hard, so I should feel something, put on a show of enjoying it—I spent more time thinking like this, hating myself for feeling so much pain. The times I'd comfort myself alone during the day increased too. Honestly... I can't take it anymore. This current situation, my own self rejecting him, and him not saying a word even when rejected. So... today, please just hold me intensely without thinking about anything.
